Lesser-Known College Football Bowl Games

By: Bismo Falcor

Although we are nearing the end of the bowl season, there are still plenty of great games that aren’t getting much media attention! Here are some that the Hoosier Flipside recommends:

• Chipotle Burrito Bowl
  • Upgrade to the Guacamole Section for just $1.59!

• Blockbuster Video Bowl
  • Brought to you by Circuit City, with a Halftime performance by Nirvana!

• The Northrop Grummond American Military “Support Our Troops” Bald Eagle Star Spangled Bowl
  • Brought to you by The Halliburton Fund to rebuild Iraq

• Environmental Protection Agency Bowl
  • Sponsored by British Petroleum and the very forgiving Gulf of Mexico

• The Cherno Bowl
  • Winner gets Superpowers!

• The Arm and Hammer Bowl
  • Brought to you by Mr. Clean!

• The Arm and Hammer and Sickle Bowl
  • Sponsored by Comrade Clean!

• The Kelley Living Learning Center Bowl
  • Sponsored by Keystone Lite, Svedka, Jack Daniels, and the IU Health Center

• The Puppy Bowl Bowl
  • Sponsored by the Puppy Bowl!

• The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
  • Featuring The Akron Zips and the Utah State Aggies

• The Infamous Idaho Potato Bowl
  • Featuring the Akron Felons and the Utah State Hitlers

• The No Potato Bowl
  • Sponsored by hungry Irish people

• The Netflix and Chill Bowl
  • Sponsored by Planned Parenthood

• Anti-Discrimination Bowl
  • We’ve included plates, too!

IU Welcomes Wingdings Cultural Center

*We apologize on behalf of WordPress on its prejudice against the Wingding history and its people, as evidenced by the website’s refusal to accommodate their culture and language.*

By: Pink Freud

This year, IU’s international community marks a milestone with the opening of the Wingdings Cultural Center. Since gaining recognition in 1990 on the Microsoft Windows 3.1 OS, people of Wingding descent have become highly valued members of IU’s foreign language program and the international community. “The journey has been long and arduous,” said Dr. , professor of Wingdings language and culture. “But as the old Wingdings saying goes: ‘     .’” Influential persons of Wingdings origin attended the inaugural ceremony, including  ,   and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Wingdings’ contributions to society such as luge, the cotton gin and the Enigma Machine have deeply affected the modern world. The new on-campus facilities were made possible by a donation by the Enigma Machine Corporation. The Wingdings font and people existed long before the technological revolution. It’s a little known fact that the first draft of the Magna Carta was written in Wingdings, along with the text outlining the 1673 Treaty of Ghent. In addition, in a 1976 game versus Iowa State, IU kicker David “Pink” Freud had the name on the back of his jersey written in Wingdings, as a show of solidarity with the often ostracized community. He then missed the game-winning field goal. Despite progress made on the IU campus, the people of the Wingdings society continue their fight for legitimacy. Today, their traditional font remains unrecognized by both the Apple and Linux operating systems. “Wingdings is a joke!” remarked an anonymous Apple employee. “Literally nobody uses it. It is a fake language used to supplement the characters of a QWERTY keyboard. And who are these people who are calling themselves Wingdings anyways?!” The Wingdings Society was hurt by those comments. “While we are saddened by the remarks of Apple staff,” stated Dr. , “we nonetheless extend to them our hands in friendship. you Apple, you can  my .”

Scientists Find Alternative Universe Where You’re Not Such An Asshole

Jubilance swept across the world as researchers at the newly reopened Large Hadron Collider discovered a parallel universe where you are not such a massive prick to everyone all the time. “It is one of the most momentous discoveries of all time,” said Jack Kerrigan, chief of interdimensional analysis for the LHC. “Here we were looking through the data, and after all these loads of different universes where you are just a bulging dickhead all day every day, we finally found a single solitary universe where you are actually a decent human being.” Kerrigan went on to say that, while you may be a God-awful little shit in this universe and many universes like it, you should at least take solace in the fact that out there somewhere, somehow, there is a version of you that isn’t universally regarded as the most magnanimous taint of a person ever to walk the face of the earth. Reports indicate that the data was derived from a drunken 3 a.m. experiment by a few LHC scientists, where they decided to smash a bunch of particles together and see what happened. The result was an astounding look into what is known as the multiverse, a web of divergent realities tangentially related to our own, often with very minor and inconsequential alterations. “Out of the billions of multiverses we detected, we found 2,340 where Gore was president, 134 where Hitler still ruled the world as a brain in a jar, and 45 where NBC’s The Slap ran for 12 Emmy-nominated seasons,” said Mark Shapiro of the LHC’s research division. “However, we were only able to find one universe where you were not a gigantic asshole. Maybe not a decent human being, but you weren’t walking around with a giant sign that says ‘look at me I’m just a big floppy donkey dick of a person,’ and that is a remarkable find.” “It was one of those moments where everybody had to stop and pinch themselves,” said Kerrigan. “It’s still all theoretical, and it may be hundreds of years before we are capable of repairing you emotionally enough to make people not prefer getting their dicks caught in a hornet’s nest over spending a minute talking to you, but today, we now know it is theoretically possible. The dream, as it was, is alive.” Because you are such an asshole to everyone that you can’t even pick up your phone when someone calls, you were unavailable for comment at this time.

Flipside Writing Staff Prepares (to Take Over) for IUSA Elections

For those who don’t know, IUSA elections will be held April 8th and 9th. This will give every student a chance to voice opinions on what issues IU should prioritize, as it strives to make campus a better place. Issues such as student safety and environmental concern are on the table, but the Flipside writing staff had other ideas in mind… Bismo Falcor It is undeniable that ease of transportation is a major issue on campus. But fear not, Hoosier: I have the solution we’ve all been waiting for. Under my leadership, each and every crowded staircase will receive a brand new bike lane. No longer will anyone have to worry about throats getting cut in the spokes of a bicycle on the way to the IMU Starbucks. Benedict Clinkerton I propose mandatory helmets and flashing safety vests for all incoming freshmen in order to protect the rest of the students. Ed Eppus As president of Indiana University, my platform would be geared toward intercollegiate politics. I vow to open up talks with Purdue on the peaceful production of biological superweapons, and move toward tearing down the IUPUI wall. My Edonomics policy would allocate 40 percent of IU’s GDP to Coach Creen. Constance T. Nopel As Supreme Leader for the Indiana University Student Organization, I would require that all chalk advertisements be written in Comic Sans solely on the walls of Kelley, and, if read aloud, must be yelled in a vaguely racist Chinese accent. Hálfdán Methúsalemsson I will personally build a 50 foot statue made of pure gold of Herman B Wells in mortal combat with a dragon and place it in front of the library for all to worship twice a day. Also, free condoms. And pizza. Mystery Writer THERE ARE TOO MANY BUILDINGS ON CAMPUS. We have devoted an entire building to the study of geology. Millions of dollars have been put into constructing a massive edifice, full of classrooms and lecture halls and offices, all devoted to staring at stones. Campus is jam packed with buildings which exist for no purpose other than to make freshmen feel confused. If you vote for me, I will bomb these locations.

RPS Announces Plan to Transform IMU into Big Fucking Hole

IU administrators announced Monday their radical new plan to construct a brand new Big Fucking Hole, directly on the current site of the IMU. The final decision was made by Sir Reginald Dunn, head administrator at IU. He said this was the biggest construction project this campus has undertaken since the 10-story Ballantine Hall staircase, followed five years later by Ballantine Hall. “I am not a believer in the word ‘destruction.’ I see this as more of an enhancement of the facility,” Dunn said. These changes mean students would no longer have to deal with so many of the current IMU’s issues, such as the lack of down-escalators, a cafeteria that only takes Campus Access and the fact that it kind of looks haunted at night. Sources indicate that the Big Fucking Hole will feature numerous amenities, such as mud floors, dirt walls and study areas furnished with nutrient-enriched earth material. Authorities said the hole will be approximately 40 feet deep in all areas, in the exact same shape of the current IMU, and will eat up approximately 45 percent of the university’s annual budget. There have been many vocal critics. The majority of the complaints refer to its lack of a Starbucks. Junior Colton Minter expressed his thoughts regarding possible, but highly unlikely resulting inconveniences, bitching, “Am I the only sane person left on campus? They’re tearing down the IMU, and digging a Big Fucking Hole. It’s a Big Fucking Hole. Like, in the ground. In the middle of everything. We are going to have to walk around it if we want to get anywhere.” When asked for his response, Dunn swiftly replied, “Yes, exactly.” Minter continued, “They’re not even planning to build stairs. Or a fence. People are just going to fall in. What the hell is the matter with everybody?!” Digging will begin next Thursday.

From Samoas to the Slammer: It’s How the Cookie Crumbles

I spotted her pigtails from across the parking lot. Wide, blue eyes with hair ribbons to match. She was clever, this one. A drug dealer of the sweetest kind, openly peddling her overpriced goods to the withdrawn addicts. Her neatly stacked boxes in her red wagon guarded by a mere stuffed animal flaunted the easy access to euphoria—that is, if you could pay the price. I cautiously approached her, noting each badge expertly sewn to her green sash:

A Social Butterfly badge. A DIY Jewelry badge. An Ice Dream Party badge.

Clearly, this girl was highly trained.

I neared close enough for her to skip in my direction. I looked over her stash: Samoas, Tagalongs, Thin Mints: the motherload. She smiled prettily up at me.

“My name is Susie, and this is Mr. Bear-ee. Would you like to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies?”

That was all the proof I needed. Whipping out a pair of handcuffs, I pinned little Susie to the asphalt.

Perhaps you think it strange that I restrained a child against the ground. Perhaps you find it even stranger that I immediately after restrained Mr. Bear-ee in an even smaller pair of handcuffs. But I doubt you have any surprise at how the masses of passerby pilfered her drug-like merchandise as soon as Susie was incapacitated.

You see, I am a recovering cookie addict. My dependency sickened even that of the Cookie Monster himself. I started experimenting– a Toffee-Tastic here, a Do-Si-Do there. But before long, one box became ten. Ten became fifty. And fifty became my bedridden, obese body hooked up to a pure caramel IV, framed by crushed cardboard boxes and stale cookie crumbs.

I speak from experience: Little Susie was not a normal girl. Little Susie was a Girl Scout. I had been tracking little Susie for weeks, after hearing large reports of mothers cheating on their diets, coworkers mildly annoyed by fathers bringing order sheets into work, and desperate college students pestering anyone with a little sister.

You may think these girls are normal. But none —none— of these girls are normal. And I will devote my life to bringing down this cookie cartel—no matter what the troop mothers have to say about it.