Lesser-Known College Football Bowl Games

By: Bismo Falcor

Although we are nearing the end of the bowl season, there are still plenty of great games that aren’t getting much media attention! Here are some that the Hoosier Flipside recommends:

• Chipotle Burrito Bowl
  • Upgrade to the Guacamole Section for just $1.59!

• Blockbuster Video Bowl
  • Brought to you by Circuit City, with a Halftime performance by Nirvana!

• The Northrop Grummond American Military “Support Our Troops” Bald Eagle Star Spangled Bowl
  • Brought to you by The Halliburton Fund to rebuild Iraq

• Environmental Protection Agency Bowl
  • Sponsored by British Petroleum and the very forgiving Gulf of Mexico

• The Cherno Bowl
  • Winner gets Superpowers!

• The Arm and Hammer Bowl
  • Brought to you by Mr. Clean!

• The Arm and Hammer and Sickle Bowl
  • Sponsored by Comrade Clean!

• The Kelley Living Learning Center Bowl
  • Sponsored by Keystone Lite, Svedka, Jack Daniels, and the IU Health Center

• The Puppy Bowl Bowl
  • Sponsored by the Puppy Bowl!

• The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
  • Featuring The Akron Zips and the Utah State Aggies

• The Infamous Idaho Potato Bowl
  • Featuring the Akron Felons and the Utah State Hitlers

• The No Potato Bowl
  • Sponsored by hungry Irish people

• The Netflix and Chill Bowl
  • Sponsored by Planned Parenthood

• Anti-Discrimination Bowl
  • We’ve included plates, too!

Webkinz Account Marks Beginning of Second Grader’s Battle with Internet Addiction

By: Constance T. Nopel

TAMPA, FLORIDA- After receiving a Darling Dino Plush for her eighth birthday, second grader Abigail Willis reportedly created her first Webkinz account, not knowing that this decision would mark the beginning of her lifelong struggle with internet addiction. With her parents’ permission, Abigail located the Webkinz home page and was overjoyed to find a cheerful, colorful website telling her to, “Come in and Play!”

She giggled, not knowing that in twenty years, she would be nestled in front of the very same screen, tucked into a cocoon of empty pizza boxes, action figures, and Cheetos dust.

“I want my dinosaur’s room to be pink. Just like mine!”

Abigail beamed as she clicked the “new member” option at the top of the screen. Cuddling her furry blue plush, Abigail played Goober’s Lab and Smoothie Moves well into the afternoon, ignorant that her future happiness would entirely depend on Red Bull consumption and a glowing screen reflecting back her deathly pale, oily face, as a result of this decision.

Sources confirm that as Abigail maneuvered through the “safe, fun, and magical online world,” twirling her pigtails and sipping her apple juice box, she had no idea that her affinity for cute, furry animals would eventually turn into hours upon hours of depressively scouring the internet for anthropomorphic pornography.

At press time, when asked to comment on her impending nights spent crying alone, staring wistfully at her cracked laptop screen, Willis responded,

“I think I’m going to name my dinosaur Tickles!”

Donald Trump Demands Dora the Explorer Pay for Whimsical Obstacles

By: Pink Freud

The latest GOP debate was sparked with controversy when Republican populist, Donald Trump, demanded that beloved Nick Junior icon, Dora the Explorer, pay for the whimsical obstacles to be erected in her path.

“Considering how much ad money American corporations have poured into Dora,” fumed Trump, “surely she can afford to pay for her own damn obstacles.”

Trump (whose photo is featured) puts his foot down when it comes to entertaining six-year old Dora’s antics. In the place of enchanted castles, spooky forests, and giant blue hills (revealed to be chickens), he has argued for a “big beautiful wall to keep the bad people out.”

“Dora will carry on, legally, as she was intended to do,” explained Trump. “Kids can learn the words for ‘grey’ and ‘big,’ and they can count the guard towers or some shit. I know a thing or two about walls, *I’m great with China!”

When informed that Dora was, in fact, a fictional character, Trump proposed cutting all government funding of Nick Junior.

*he is not

Eccentric Billionaire Plans First Water Park on Mars

By: Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following the recent discovery of liquid water on Mars, eccentric billionaire Mellon Husk unveiled plans for his next business venture: a water park on the red planet’s surface.

“Upon learning of the discovery of water on Mars, I put down my quinoa-encrusted, free-range quail kabob, jumped in my self-driving, hydrogen-powered super bike and went to work,” said Husk.

Husk expects this park to completely revolutionize dihydrogen monoxide-based interstellar entertainment. At the recent shareholder’s meeting of CosmosEx, Husk, clad in a black turtleneck and jeans, dazzled viewers with his nuanced and in absolutely no way vague presentation.

“Synergy. Innovation. Rocky. Dynamic. Wet,” explained Husk, who later announced that the Mars water park’s main attraction would be a postmodern answer to the traditional wave pool.

Husk stated, “We wanted to take the concept of the wave pool to the next level, and then the level after that. I’m talking about a wave pool at the tsunami level. One that runs on high tech SkyActiv nitro-fuel cell technology, powering 17 hyper-turbines spinning at 1600 rpm, forcing 60 foot waves rocketing into the starry sky. It will be known simply as WVE P∞L.”

Reportedly, the park will feature massive 4KHLTV digital displays, WiMax LTE internet connectivity, 100 percent immersive virtual reality featuring the climax of Jaws, a hologram of Nikola Tesla wearing thick-rimmed glasses, and revolutionary new piss-resistant water filtering technology.

“That, my friends is only the beginning.” He continued, “We’re talking Large Hadron Collider lazy rivers, a molecular-meta 140 kW P90D sunscreen dispenser, and NASA developed dark matter inner tubes. Many consumers eagerly await more news on the rest of the park, and industry experts predict CosmosEx stock to skyrocket as a result.  

Other engineers have confirmed the park won’t be constructed until workers can figure out how to breathe.

Last Minute Flipside-Approved Halloween Costume Ideas

By: Flipside Staff

According to a recent poll, as many as 30 percent of Americans have yet to pick out their Halloween costumes this year. We here at Hoosier Flipside are astounded by this absolute travesty, and we are here to do whatever possible to help the cause.  This year, try dressing up as what you fear most! Here are six suggestions:

College Debt

-Turn your most-feared college nightmare into your costume this year by wearing your unlaundered IU cap and gown. Complete the look with a tear-streamed face, a ball and chain around your ankle, and the internal feeling that you’re secretly wasting all your time, there’s no point to all this academic bullshit, you’ll never be able to get a job in this terrible economy and EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS. Top Ramen optional.

14 Missed Calls From Mom

-A cheap and easy option: arrive wearing what you typically would to a party, but be sure put your phone ringer on high. Every time your phone rings, interrupt whoever you are talking to by yelling, “Oh my god! I have to take this.” After you finish using your phone, come back running your fingers through your hair, visibly shaken. Begin texting and mutter repeatedly, “My mom’s gonna kill me…” Don’t forget to hush everyone around you every time you answer a call!

Crippling Loneliness

-What could be spookier than dying alone? Get some sweat pants, a t-shirt, and your ex’s favorite, well-worn Colts hoodie. To complete the ominous outfit, you’ll want to wallow in empty vodka bottles and Ben and Jerry’s containers as you binge-watch Friends If people don’t like your costume, remember: it’s not you, it’s them.

Showering at Read Nowadays

-For this costume, douse yourself with soap and water, and sprint into the party wearing nothing but a poorly-wrapped towel. For extra effect, add a shower caddy holding the Axe shampoo you also use as body wash. Don’t forget to grab some dirty boxer briefs that you intend to throw on once you get the chance!

Finite Midterms

First, wear a white sandwich board with blurry, unreadable questions on it. Then, attach a gnarly strap-on to the front so you can really fuck students in the ass. Complete the look with a bag of scantrons and severe parental disappointment. Enjoy the PTSD-induced looks of horror!

President Trump

Put on a full overpriced suit, don a crappy toupee, and shove a billion dollars up your ass as you become the physical embodiment of America’s demise. Of course, a Trump presidential costume would not be complete without acting the part. Try viciously attacking every immigrant you come across while shouting about making America great again.

Arboretum Dug Up for World War One Reenactment

Pink Freud

November 12, 2014

Students, faculty, and several Balkan nation states have been up in arms over the lack of access to the arboretum.  In commemoration of the 100^th anniversary of the outbreak of the Great War, the Indiana University Arboretum is being converted into a veritable no-mans-land of trenches, craters, and rubble. With the blessings of the University, the WWI Recreationists’ Club is using the public green space to recreate the mayhem and abject horror of the Battle of Ypres.

“We’d like to thank the excellent students and faculty at Indiana University for making our perfect nightmare a reality,” said senior Reginald P. Pumberchook, brigadier general of the club “We’re doing this for all of the IU alumni who served on the Western Front. They would’ve wanted it this way.”

The shelling is expected to begin at 0400 hours on the morning of November the 21^st. Students in the Northwest neighborhood should expect to be woken by the sounds of heavy artillery, and the smell of burning flesh. Although some civilian casualties are to be expected, Pumberchook assures the student body that there is no need to worry, as both sides expect that the war should be over by Christmas.

Victim of Cannibalism “Asking for It” by Looking Tasty

By: Penny C. Bubblegum

A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own demise from over-applying AXE body spray, commonly known to entice the cannibal communities. The partiers were alerted by the overwhelming smell of barbecue sauce emanating from the basement. “At first, I totally thought it was like a mirage or something, [be]cause I was like really high and I was craving chicken wings,” a witness stated, looking slightly traumatized. “And then it was like, not chicken wings at all. It was human wings.”

According to witnesses, the man who simply could not help himself was described as “troll-like,” and was reported to be ravenously chewing on a bloodied pair of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air boxers. (“I bet he did taste fresh,” another witness commented). A group of girls told reporters that they did not blame the cannibal. “He was probably hungry! There were no chips or salsa at the party.” When local reporters asked witnesses whether they believed the young man deserved to be eaten alive, a group students spoke up.

“Absolutely. In this day and age, who wears white tank tops? Those like only look good with blood smeared all over it.”

“And who goes out without their crew anyway? Man, who knows what freaks roam the night nowadays.”

One police officer advised a potential solution to the ever-growing issue of cannibalism. “You gotta make sure to look nasty or the cannibals will come for you. I suggest body odor and the stench of booze. It’s hip.”

A local politician, a self-identified specialist on justified cannibalism, commented on the incident: “If it’s really legitimate cannibalism, the body would’ve coughed that flesh up. That’s just science.”

Hydrated Area Man Proud When Pee is Clear

By: Constance T. Nopel

NOBLESVILLE, IN— Following an exhaustive workout at his local gym, Stan Heighway, hydrated man of thirty-three, reportedly felt a twinge of pride for his nearly transparent stream of urine. “Yeah, my pee is clear, I guess. That means I’m healthy, right?” Heighway attributes his remarkable achievement in excretory health to drinking a couple glasses of water here and there. “It’s not like water tastes that great, but—you know. I bring a water bottle when I work out. I mean, it makes sense.” After using the restroom several hours later, Heighway was reportedly pleased to discover that his shit was clear as well.

Post-Apocalyptic Area Woman Still Maintains Beauty Regimen

By: Constance T. Nopel

BARREN WASTELAND, EARTH— Elated upon discovering a still usable, pink Gillette razor under the radioactive rubble of Washington Monument, area woman Jane Shales told reporters she was overjoyed she would no longer have to shave her legs with her blood-coated katana. “It was such a hassle before, but in a world of impending meteors and savage cannibals, it’s important to put your personal grooming first. After all, I do need to be repopulate the human race!” winked Shales, adding that her new-found tool would allow her to devote extra time to mimic the photos of women remaining in dirty scraps of beauty magazines. “And because my digestive tract is ravaged with genetically-enhanced parasites, I finally reached my goal weight! The recent abundance of violently spewing volcanoes has really raised the temperature, so it’s the perfect opportunity to bring out my cut-off booty shorts and leather crop tops.” Shales’ resourcefulness has especially come into play when fulfilling the post-apocalyptic societal expectation for a female’s made-up face. “I find that the blood of my fallen companions makes an excellent lip stain, and rubbing finely-ground cockroaches on my eyelids has really helped me achieve that coveted smoky eye.” At press time, when asked to respond to the media’s expectations for women, Shales stated, “It’s nice to know that, even when the world is ending, this one fundamental aspect of American culture will still survive.”

Alpha Tau Omega Hosts Philanthropy Event to Help Struggling Girls Pay for College

By: Bismo Falcor

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Last week, Alpha Tau Omega melted everyone’s hearts by helping struggling women pay their way through college in a recent philanthropy event. In regards to this event’s success, National ATO president Henry Eaton Busch expressed his admiration for the class and dignity expressed by the IU chapter.

“We, the national leaders of ATO, are heartened to see our IU chapter espouse the core values of philanthropy and respect for women that we as a national organization pride ourselves on. At the same time, they’re also supporting small businesses and giving women the opportunity to pursue a higher education.”

According to ATO IU chapter president, Chad Dickerson, the philanthropy event has already raised more than $3,000 in sticky singles, 100 percent of which will be going directly into the girls’ undergarments. Dickerson went on to respond to H.E. Busch’s praise, stating, “Above everything else, we here at ATO are real proud to be a brotherhood, and though it may be a pain in the ass sometimes, we’ve got a reputation to uphold.”  He continued, with a smirk, “And if there’s ever a girl out there who’s been down on her luck and has to make ends meet, she should give us a call. The brotherhood will take good care of her.”

As a final thought, ATO brother Jake Stallworth voiced his admiration for the event. “The philanthropic event was truly life changing. Usually when you’re coming face to face with this kinda charity work, you could start getting depressed, and feel like ya gotta escape, and close yourself off. However, this time, it was absolutely impossible to run away.”

“It was absolutely eye opening,” he concluded, pulling a stray pube off of his tongue.